Say What You Mean: 4 Steps to Effective Communication
The Importance of Effective Communication
Effective communication is an essential component of satisfying relationships. The words we choose can either foster understanding or create distance, making it crucial to learn how to communicate in a way that builds connection, rather than fueling conflict. One powerful tool we use is the four-step process of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall Rosenberg.
Step 1: Observe
The first step in NVC is making clear observations without adding assumptions or interpretations. Observations are the facts—what we can see or hear—without adding meaning to them. Assumptions and interpretations, on the other hand, are the stories we tell ourselves about those facts.
For example:
Observation: "You haven’t replied to my message from two days ago."
Interpretation: "You must be ignoring me because you don’t care."
Observations are neutral and factual. When we interpret or assume, we risk putting our own judgments onto the situation, which can lead to misunderstandings and conflict. Learning to stick to observations grounds us in reality and paves the way for clearer communication.
Step 2: Identify Your Emotions
After making an observation, it’s essential to identify how we feel in response. True emotions are different from thoughts.
True emotion: “I feel disappointed.”
Thought disguised as an emotion: “I feel like you don’t care.”
Notice how “I feel like you don’t care” is actually a thought or judgment, not an emotion. In NVC, identifying true emotions helps us stay connected with our internal experience without placing blame on others.
Step 3: Identify your Needs
Once we identify our emotions, we can dig deeper to uncover the needs producing them. Needs are universal and shared by all people, such as the need for connection, understanding, safety, or respect. Strategies, however, are specific ways we try to meet those needs.
For example:
Need: “I need connection and understanding.”
Strategy: “I need you to text me back immediately.”
While needs are broad and essential, strategies are specific actions we think will meet those needs. Sometimes, we get stuck focusing on one particular strategy and forget that there might be multiple ways to meet our needs. NVC encourages flexibility and creativity in finding ways to fulfill our needs without becoming overly attached to one particular strategy.
Step 4: Make Request
The final step in NVC is making a request, but how we phrase that request matters. Effective requests are clear, specific, and made in the affirmative, meaning we ask for what we do want rather than what we don’t want. This ensures that our requests are constructive and solution-oriented.
For example:
Unclear, negative request: “Don’t ignore me.”
Clear, affirmative request: “Could you reply to my messages within a day when possible?”
The second request is more specific, achievable, and focuses on a positive action. When making requests, it’s also important to recognize that a request is different from a demand. We allow space for the other person to say no, while maintaining our commitment to finding a solution that works for both sides.
Listening with Curiosity
Effective communication isn’t just about expressing ourselves clearly; it’s equally about how we listen to others. NVC teaches us to listen with curiosity.
How to Listen Using NVC:
Be Present: Give your full attention to the speaker.
Listen for Observations: Try to hear the facts without the speaker’s interpretations or judgments.
Identify Emotions: Notice the feelings the speaker is expressing. Acknowledge these emotions without trying to fix or change them.
Understand Needs: Look for the underlying needs driving the speaker’s emotions and statements.
Respond with Empathy: Reflect back what you’ve heard to show understanding. For example, “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed because you need more support with your tasks.”
TL;DR:
The four-step process of Nonviolent Communication—observation, emotion, need, and request—helps us express ourselves with clarity and compassion. By focusing on observations rather than assumptions, identifying genuine emotions, and making affirmative requests, we can foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Nonviolent Communication may seem simple in theory, but it's not easy to practice. Shifting toward NVC requires mindfulness, patience, and commitment. You can get a copy of Marshall’s book, Nonviolent Communication, to begin.
References
Rosenberg, M. B. (2015). "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life." The Journal of Conflict Resolution, 59(2), 431-455.
Holt, C. L., & Gaffney, M. (2015). "The Impact of Nonviolent Communication Training on Communication Skills and Conflict Resolution." Communication Education, 64(1), 48-67.
O’Donnell, K. M., & McMahon, S. D. (2019). "Nonviolent Communication as a Tool for Conflict Resolution in Schools." Journal of Educational Psychology, 111(1), 1-14.
At Root Psychotherapy, we support our clients in learning nonviolent communication skills to nurture both self-connection and connection with others. Ready to practice? Check our current group offerings or schedule a consultation online.
