How to Tell the Difference Between Unconditional Love and Codependency
Many people who struggle with codependency believe that losing themselves in love is what it means to love unconditionally. They’ve been taught—implicitly or explicitly—that true love means giving without limits, staying no matter what, and sacrificing their own needs in the name of devotion.
But is that really love? Or is it fear in disguise?
If you’ve ever felt like your love flows one way, with little to no reciprocity, you might not question whether your love is unconditional—you might just assume this is what love requires of you. But real love—the kind that nurtures both people—is not about disappearing into someone else’s needs. Love that requires self-abandonment is not love. It is a learned survival strategy.
This question is not about whether to love—it’s about how to love in a way that honors both the other person and yourself. To answer this, we turn to bell hooks' powerful definition of love in All About Love:
“Love is the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”
Love, in its truest form, is an active practice (an action, a verb)—one that requires care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, trust, and honest communication. Without these elements, what we often call "love" may actually be fear, attachment, or self-abandonment.
Throughout many of the world’s religions and spiritual traditions, there is a deep understanding that neglecting oneself is a form of dishonoring the divine. Loving yourself is not selfish—it is sacred. If we believe in the sacredness of all beings, then mistreating ourselves is just as harmful as mistreating another person.
Let’s explore the difference between unconditional love and signs of codependency with this deeper wisdom in mind.
True Love is Given Freely, But It Doesn’t Cost You Yourself
At its purest, love is not transactional—it’s not something given only in exchange for something else. True love, the kind that mirrors the infinite love of the universe, flows freely from an open heart.
But here’s the part that often gets misunderstood: unconditional love does not mean abandoning yourself. It does not mean tolerating mistreatment, neglect, or one-sided relationships that leave you depleted.
Spiritual traditions around the world remind us that honoring ourselves is part of honoring the divine:
Christianity teaches that we are made in the Imago Dei—the image of God (Genesis 1:27). If we are sacred creations made in God’s likeness, then to love and respect ourselves is to honor God’s work.
Hinduism teaches that the Atman (individual soul) is a reflection of Brahman (the universal divine reality). Caring for oneself is not separate from spiritual devotion—it is part of it.
Islam emphasizes Amanah (trust), the idea that our souls and bodies are entrusted to us by Allah. Neglecting oneself is not humility, but a failure to honor that trust.
If love is about nurturing growth, then it must include your own well-being. If a relationship demands that you continually shrink, endure harm, or suppress your needs in the name of love, then it is no longer love—it is self-abandonment.
Codependency is Fear Disguised as Love
If you struggle with codependency, you may have been taught—implicitly or explicitly—that love means giving at all costs. That your worth is tied to how much you do for others. That setting boundaries is selfish.
But love given from a place of fear is not the same as true, unconditional love. Fear-based codependency says:
“If I stop giving, I will lose this person.”
“If I don’t meet their needs, they will abandon me.”
“If I express my own needs, I will be too much.”
These thoughts don’t come from love. They come from a deep, aching fear of not being enough, of not being loved back, of being rejected.
But true love—the kind that nurtures both people—includes self-respect. It includes reciprocity. It includes a willingness to acknowledge when a relationship is no longer supporting mutual growth.
Even Buddhism, which emphasizes selflessness, teaches the practice of metta (loving-kindness), starting with love toward oneself. If you cannot hold compassion for yourself, your love for others will eventually be tainted by resentment, depletion, or fear.
Unconditional love does not mean unconditional access.
Navigating the Messy Middle: When Love Feels Unequal
Healthy relationships are not always perfectly balanced. Relationships move in rhythms, and sometimes, giving and receiving don’t happen at the same time, in the same way, or in equal measure. Life brings seasons of hardship. Illness, grief, trauma, depression, stress, or major life transitions can take someone out of their ability to show up fully in a relationship. Sometimes, love gets lost in translation. One person’s way of offering love may not match how the other person is able to take it in.
In those moments, love calls for patience, grace, and discernment.
But how do we know when an imbalance is something to hold space for and grow through together—and when it’s a sign that the relationship is no longer serving us?
Love is Patient, But Not Without Limits
Spiritual traditions often teach that love is patient and enduring. In Christianity, “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13:7). Buddhism speaks of compassionate love (karuna), which allows for suffering without turning away.
When someone we love is struggling, patience can be an expression of love. But patience is not the same as self-abandonment.
Patience says: “I see you are struggling, and I will hold space for you.”
Self-abandonment says: “I will keep giving, even if it empties me.”
Holding love for someone through a difficult season can be an act of devotion. But patience doesn’t mean silencing your needs indefinitely. Patience does not mean accepting neglect or making yourself invisible.
It means offering support while also recognizing your own needs. If you are constantly giving without receiving, it’s worth exploring whether the imbalance is situational—or whether it’s a long-standing pattern.
Understanding Temporary Imbalance vs. Chronic Neglect
Love is not transactional, but healthy relationships have a natural rhythm of giving and receiving over time—even if they’re not always in sync. Not every season of imbalance means the relationship is unhealthy. The key is to look at patterns, not just moments.
You may be in a season where you are giving more—not because the other person doesn’t care, but maybe because they are struggling to receive or reciprocate in this moment.
You may be in a season where you need more than you can give. This doesn’t mean you are failing at love; it means you are human.
What matters most is not whether love is perfectly balanced in every moment, but whether there is still movement, still care, still a willingness to reconnect when things feel misaligned.
If love has become a one-way street with no attempt to restore balance over time, that’s a different conversation. But if there is an intention to find each other again, even in difficult seasons, then there is space for love to grow.
Ask yourself:
Is this a temporary season, or does this person consistently struggle to show up for me?
Do I feel like my care is appreciated, or am I giving in a way that is expected but not acknowledged?
When this person is able, do they make an effort to reciprocate, even in small ways?
A healthy relationship has an ebb and flow—sometimes you give more, sometimes they do. But if you find yourself constantly overextending without reciprocity, it may be time to reconsider the dynamic.
Walking Away Can Be the Most Loving Choice
Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do for yourself—and even for the other person—is to walk away. Not in anger. Not in resentment. But in love.
You can love someone deeply and still choose to leave.
You can care about someone and still decide the relationship is unhealthy for you.
You can hold them in your heart while letting them go in real life.
Walking away doesn’t mean you stop loving them. It means you stop abandoning yourself.
Love That Includes You is Love That Heals
Here’s the truth: the love you give is beautiful. Your capacity to care deeply is a gift. Your ability to hold space for others is rare and precious.
But you deserve that same love in return.
If you ever find yourself , ask yourself:
Am I loving them from a place of fullness or from a place of fear?
Does this relationship nourish me, or does it deplete me?
If I stopped giving so much, would this person still choose to show up for me?
Love is infinite, but your presence in a relationship doesn’t have to be. What is love asking of you here?
Because love—true, deep, soul-nourishing love—includes you, too.
And that kind of love? It heals, it uplifts, and it never asks you to disappear.
Are You Loving or Losing Yourself? Take the Quiz!
It’s not always easy to tell the difference between unconditional love and codependency—but the way you give and receive love matters. If you’ve ever wondered whether your love is truly self-honoring or rooted in self-sacrifice, this quick quiz will help you gain clarity on your relational patterns.
